Yesterday Sucked.

Yesterday I had a day.

A day when I just couldn’t do it all. I usually pride myself to a fault of doing it all. I work long days. Our weekends are filled with traveling here, there and everywhere to see family and friends. My husband and I do our very best to take care of our sweet baby girl and she seems happy and healthy. I think I look semi-put together (most of the time).

There are some mornings – most mornings – that run smoothly. I’m able to plan and pack and keep it all together well enough.

But there are days when I just feel like I can't handle it all - like I can barely keep my head on straight, let alone deal with all that's being thrown at me.

Yesterday was one of those days.

The day started well enough. A quick shower, I put on a dress and put on make-up (which I hardly ever do!). Penelope fought me on her morning diaper change and clothing change. Her diaper rash, which has been escalating for the last week was blazing and I finally realized that perhaps it's time to have her checked out.

Right before we left for the day, she spilled milk all over her outfit and there was a false poop alarm. I had to start over and change her whole outfit. We were already on the cusp of late, and this just clinched that lateness would for sure be happening today.

I received a text message from Shaun that the 33rd St Path wasn’t running this morning, for the second day in a row. I already felt flustered for the busy day ahead, and this just put me further on edge.

By the time I dropped of P and got her settled, I was definitely late. I arrived at the Path station in Jersey City to massive crowds on the platform since now all of the people who usually take the 33rd St train were clamoring to get to World Trade, the only running line.

I considered just packing it all in right then, turning around and heading home. But I stayed the course. I finally arrived at World Trade about 30 min later (on a train that usually takes no more than 10 minutes). It's about a 15 minute walk to the office from there on a good day, plus I had to factor in the 10 minutes it took to fight through this crowd to simply get out of the station.

In short, I was really, really late for work.

Since I was already so late, I figured a latte couldn't hurt the situation. So I got one.

I arrived late and called P's pediatrician, asking for a nurse or doctor to please call me about the rash. You have to bring her in, he said. We will need to see it to diagnose. How about 3pm?
Me: Is that the latest appointment you have today?
Him: Yes.
Me: Ok because I work, so 3pm isn't really feasible.
Him (now annoyed): Um yes, that's it. Do you want it?

My mom suggested taking her to an urgent care center which are usually open later in the evening. I found one in Hoboken and after a lot of coordinating with Shaun, we planned to meet up there right after work.

The day just got crazy from there. I had a luncheon commitment that I didn't want to miss and my work calendar was really filling up for the day. I felt a weight of stress settling in on my shoulders and that panicked feeling like I just couldn't do it all.

By the evening, I was just spent but determined for our medi center plan to work. We arrived at 6:50 and though they were open until 7:30 with one patient ahead of us, they wouldn't see us.

It took all of my energy and restraint not to knock the bottles of mouthwash and toothpaste behind me right off the shelves in a rage.

There was another center down the street, so we walked over. They took our info, made us wait for 10 minutes...then said they won't see patients under 24 months.

So after all that, we threw in the towel and went home. We bought some different OTC cream and gave it a whirl.

Penelope was up and screaming twice last night.

When I recounted the events of the day, Shaun even wasn't that bad. And it wasn't. Nothing about this day was earth shatteringly bad. But it was just a day that really sucked. I felt like I couldn't win at any turn. I felt like a failing mom who can't even get her kid to the doctor. I felt like a bad employee since I was late, spent the morning dealing with scheduling doctor's appointments and was in an overall daze for most of the day. I felt miserable. I felt like I just couldn't do this life. Couldn't handle what it was throwing me on this particular day. I wanted to just throw up, then throw a tantrum, then throw a blanket over my head and lay in bed for the rest of the day watching Scandal.

I debated writing this post for fear of sounding whiny and like I have real problems (when I know I really don't). But I wanted to write it for all the moms out there who feel like this every now and then (or maybe more than that). I knew I'd get through the day. I knew I'd get back in my swing of handling it all. But yesterday I just couldn't. And that's ok, right? It's ok to cry in CVS and debate throwing tubes of toothpaste around, isn't it?

(Side note: I really take issue with the fact that the healthcare industry clearly doesn't care about working parents. Offices that are open from 8 - 5, and clinics that won't see children, even for a about an office that's open from 7 - 10AM and 5 - 8PM?)

The thing about blogging is that you only see what I want you to see. I'm generally an optimistic person (to a fault, sometimes) and so I try to and like to focus on all of the good things that go on, and all the things that I love in life, be it food, TV, nail polish, boots and more - in this space and in my own mentality.

But sometimes, Mama just needs to let loose and show you that it's not all great stuff all the time. Sometimes, days get really, really hard and I feel like I just can't handle it. And that's ok. I don't have to handle it all, all the time. I just have to work on accepting that.

I also try to remember that for every crummy day when nothing seems to go my way, there's always another day right behind it. And this new day means breaking in a cute outfit, some make-up, a functioning Path train, a refrigerator stocked with food, a {hopefully} rash-free Penelope by tonight, and a DVR filled with last night's Sons of Anarchy. So, how bad can that be?